Hospital I-Spy

Make sure you’re getting the authentic NHS experience!

  • Being asked if you’ve had your ‘bowels open’. Score 1 point each time, and 10 bonus points if you’re asked three times in 24 hours.
  • Score 10 for a ride in a wheelchair that only goes backwards.
  • Score 2 if there’s a mad person on the ward.
  • Score 10 if he tries to get in bed with you.
  • Score 60 if you can’t figure out who the mad person is.
  • Score 5 if you get served burnt sweetcorn
  • Score 3 points each time your meal is two thirds yellow. Three in a row gives you a bonus of 10 points.
  • Score 20 points each time a visitor brings you grapes.
  • Score 5 if you get served the wrong meal.
  • Score 30 if they try to make out it’s your fault.
  • Score 20 if they give you a really rubbish explanation for your treatment.
  • Score 50 of they don’t even attempt an explanation.
  • Score 40 if your discharge is delayed by at least 4 hours. Score a further 15 points for each hour after this.
  • Score 25 if you learn to stay asleep while they check your BP for the 18th time in 24 hours.
  • Score 30 if your gag reflex disappears after repeatedly hearing old men coughing up phlegm.
  • Score 1 point each time you inapproriately get called ‘sweetheart’, ‘darling’, or ‘love’.
  • Score 10 if while you’re there they use pillowcases as towels or sheets as pillowcases.
  • Get 50 points if there’s a shortage of pyjama bottoms.
  • Score 5 points each time someone speaks a little louder to you because you’re lying down/wearing night attire.

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