Knitting Friday 7/3/14

Wowsers, it’s another Friday. Or it should be when you read this, if you’re not being really keen.

Pancake day’s normally a non-event in the Fox household as every Sunday morning is pancake day. But would you look at that? Those wonderful knitters and crocheters of Google have obliged with a calorie free version:

Bit of a waste of banana, I feel, would be better employed on a pizza, but never mind. There’s nothing quite like brown sugar and plenty of orange juice with a nice fat blintz…

In less edible news, there are threats to close BBC Three. Not a huge loss, I have to assume. After all there are so many places you can get your fill of unfunny jokes. Knitting Friday springs to mind. And you know what? It doesn’t take a gimungous amount of taxpayer cash to generate round about the same quantity of predictable jibes and sarcastic wittering. Take note, BBC! Austerity? Don’t worry about it – got it covered! I can be as unfunny as you any day. And I’m not dependent on a cappucino (or anything rather more exciting) to achieve it.

Also going on, an effort to reverse the trend of prepubescent youngsters being taken in by Adobe Photoshop (and why wouldn’t they be?!) Instead of the impossibly leggy Barbie, we are being introduced to ‘Lammily’. She is an American doll based on the average dimensions of American 19 year olds. Looks far healthier and much nicer than Barbie – although Barbie’s ankles are much nicer. Still you can’t have everything. Having said that, aren’t dolls supposed to be freaky? I mean looks at these chicks:

If anyone dressed like that was clocked skulking by the school gates, I’d probably call the police.

That one also is disturbing, would probably sleep with the light on, just in case.

This one’s the best – looks like the odd lady from Dragon’s Den:

In other news, a lady whose husband sadly died, has won the legal fight to keep his sperm frozen. She was up against the authorities who were threatening to chuck it out. They are now appealing. Why? I don’t get it. What’s the big deal about sperm?

Oh, OK. Now I see it in it’s crocheted form, I entirely get why sperm is a big deal.

Is anyone else wondering why crochet sperm is on Google? What is particularly interesting is that Google has a particularly high sperm count. When we run out of sloths, we might need to have sperm corner instead.

On a similar subject; Nicholas Sarkozy ex-president of France and his lady wife are embroiled in scandal. Nope this time, instead of a truly French affair, Sarkozy has taken a leaf out of Mr Nobama’s book and been recorded dissing various people, like his staff, and his colleagues. And they’ve been recorded dissing him and his Mrs. Must be annoying to be involved in such a non-titillating scandal. Monsiuer Sarkozy, this is how the rest of us have to do it.

Yep, that’s Mr Sarkozy in the background, scandalling after Frau Merkel.

Education now, and if you thought you were booked onto a course on balloon art and marketing, you’re probably too late, it’s been axed. Surprisingly, in times of austerity, balloon art just isn’t recognised as a life skill. Really can’t imagine why.

Looks better knitted.

To commemorate world book day, the BBC has ironically been doing some research on books and how we’re all getting stupider and stupider. (This is after I read a book on British social life in the 1950s and discovered that there were quite a few people who were concerned that over exposure to television would make people into morons. I mean, whatever). So yes. We have an average 138 books in the house (I was surprised to find that the average is so high). And that a fair amount were unread – particularly those in the living room. You know, where people go to have a nose about on your shelves and judge you? Yep there. Apparently that’s where you keep your aspirational books.  It also happens to be the place I keep those books I really ought to read, but never find the time to do. Because ‘The Rhyming Bible’ is always more entertaining than ‘Hypertension in the Elderly’. I wish it weren’t. Somehow ‘Re Judgment Day, I haven’t got a date. But be prepared – you haven’t long to wait’ is a bit more appealing than ‘In the Metoprolol CR/XL Randomized Intervention Trial in Congestive Heart Failure, controlled release/extended release metoprolol succinate was tested in 3991 patients with an EF 40% or less with class II Heart Failture.’ You get me?

Education now: apparently examiners are a bit shocked that the English GCSE grades are so low. Probably cause and effect has something to do with it. When I was at school, I learned full-stops and capital letters and that was it. Asked whether a colon was something to punctuate with or to digest with, I would have been surprised it could do either. someone I went to university with (and was supposedly studying English) thought ‘innit’ was a word. Seriously. And that a double negative meant that you ‘really meant ‘no”. So if this is the sort of person we have teaching our urchins, no wonder they can’t string a sentence together. We’ll come full circle when these kids are the examiners, grades will surely get back to normal. There’s a relief.

I despair.

Sorry, sometimes the thickness and illiteracy of ‘modern’ life really gets to me, and a picture of chickens in knitted vests is the only thing that makes me feel better. That and an Oxford comma correctly placed.

In other news, and I can’t help but think it’s connected – the use of tasers on children is on the increase. Do you ever get the feeling you’re watching a world that has already gone mad? When I was training, it wasn’t unusual for an inmate of the gastric medical ward to be discovered in the buffer cupboard doing something dangerous with a pillowcase, getting tasered as a result. But sprogs? What’s wrong with confiscating their sweets?

No one’s knitted a taser gun yet. It’s just a matter of time.

And last but not least, our regular features:

Rather gutted to discover this one isn’t knitted at all.

And in other news, a shark called Lydia has been on a bit of a voyage. But you don’t care. You just want to see knitted sharks devouring children.

Hey, it’s more entertaining and less harmful than tasering them.

Have a good week.

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