It’s a Scandinavian special this week:
Well it’s all kicking off in Sweden after a family found a GIANT RAT in their kitchen. Apparently it was so big the cat moved out (not exaggerating – however, if you’ve seen pictures of the cat, it did look a bit of a wimp).
Yep, apparently that’s what they look like inside. I don’t know, I was a conscientious objector and so didn’t have to cut one up.
It was a good day for journalistic bingo as the BBC writer managed to get ‘Swedish smorgasbord’ into the text. Nice job. Probably been waiting for that one for years. He also mentioned that the rat (dubbed ‘Ratzilla’, of course) was feasting on leftovers under the sink. Yeah, cos that’s where I keep my leftovers too. Maybe that’s normal for Sweden.
A Norwegian chap has been reunited with his £65,000 boat in Sweden after he had apparently forgotten about it. He’d left the keys to it tied to a railing and the log book inside. Eventually the marina management set up a Facebook appeal to try to track down the owner. In his defence he said he thought he’d sold it. I think I’d probably notice the extra wad of cash had I the fortune to sell a luxury boat. Still, ignorance is no defence, and he has to pay the overdue mooring fees.
I don’t know about you, but I’m always pretty chuffed when I find a sweet I didn’t know I had in my coat pocket.
Over in Harrogate (not quite Scandinavia, but it does have real, live Vikings in it), they’re getting ready to welcome the Tour de France. Because HURRAH! the Tour is coming to God’s own county. How do they prepare for such an event? By drinking tea and knitting teeny tiny cycling jerseys to use as bunting, of course!
Saw some of these at the London Bike Show and wasn’t at all surprised that the Yorkists are behind the plot. What could be more perfect than knitting, cycling and Yorkshire being involved in the same story? Nothing I tell you. Nothing. Unless of course there was a knitted shark in there as well.
You’ll just have to wait for that. It’s not Time. Yet.
Sports now. Apparently Roy Keane got nobbled by Stephen Ireland’s granny who tried to persuade him to select Ireland to play again. Normally all that stuff would be dull as an evening listening to my dad explain the fracking process after he’s had a few. But the granny in question is significant because Stephen Ireland claimed she was dead in a ploy to get out of playing. When challenged, as inevitably he would be considering what he gets paid and for what, he claimed they’d got the wrong granny and that it was his other one. The tabloids did the tiniest bit of research (probably just by having a quick look in the phone book) and found she wasn’t dead either, and so Ireland got busted a second time. Then he said something along the lines of: ‘Oh sorry, did you think I said ‘”My granny is dead”? No what I said was “My girlfriend has had a miscarriage”.’ Doesn’t even rhyme, Steve. Whether she had or not, I don’t know, but if ever he came up with another excuse for getting out of doing something the involved the death of a family member, I’d probably just ring up the Sun to check.
This does of course raise a couple of points:
- There doesn’t appear to be a point where a particular type of person would think ‘I get paid so much I don’t even NEED to screw over my employer.’
- Footballers really aren’t very clever. Maybe don’t lie to the media, chaps, they bear a grudge for an awful long time and have more power than anyone else to make you look like a complete twit. Forever.
Don’t know about you, but I’d be a bit cautious about letting my child wear something that makes its head look like something one would kick.
Talking of headwear. Over in North Korea, Kim Jong Un certainly doesn’t disappoint. You probably aren’t aware (why would you?) that in NK there are 18 approved hair-dos for women and 10 for men. That’s all very well for those who are capable of a hair-do. Some of us just have to muddle along the best we can with what we have. The most recent trichological titbit is that KJU has decided that male students must emulate their leader by aping his hairstyle. If you’re struggling to conjure up in your mind what that looks like, Ed Balls has exactly the same ‘do. Read into that what one will.
OK you can’t see his hair, but this picture shows the preponderance of dominant personages being knitted. Yep. Still no Ed Balls.
So it’s not knitted, but hey, it gives a great view of the ‘do.
There have been a few ‘fatness’ stories in the news this week too. Apparently ‘overweight’ is the new ‘normal’. Looks like I’ll never be short of work then.
Is anyone else concerned that this book ever got to press? Political correctness is a bit different in America. Canada’s even more interesting, apparently saying the word ‘retard’ doesn’t get you sacked there.
Another interesting story is how to fool kids into eating vegetables. Now telling them to eat their sprout or they don’t get pudding/treat etc apparently is unethical and infringes a child’s human rights. No, instead you have to FOOL them into eating veggies. How? Well, according to the BBC you have to sneak up to them when they’re monging out in front of the TV (no commentary is expended on how they could be employing themselves more beneficially) and slip them a bowl of peas. And then not talk about it. Mind games? Oh yes. But that seems to be all above-board.
Mind games, eh? Let’s see about that. I’ve got a better idea. It’s like this:
‘Ma, what’s that?’
‘It’s an aubergine, darling. Would you like me to buy you some sweets?’
‘What’s an aubergine?’
‘Can I have one?’
‘No you may not. You’re far too young.’
‘I WANT an aubergine!‘
‘Alright, but don’t tell your father.’
And now, what you’ve been scrolling down for (I know it):
Pug in a shark hat. You DESERVE that. Have a good weekend, you nutters.