Needed a break from Knitting Friday. Mainly because – have you any idea how depressing it is trawling through all the bad news to get to the decent stuff that you can really poke fun at?
Christians and Jews getting brutally murdered, people that you thought were nice getting arrested for serious nastiness, the world getting stupider and stupider. I’m ditching the BBC because it’s so depressing, especially when they don’t even try to hide their bias. I’m sticking with the loftier journalistic arts of the Daily Sport.
Oh wait, we can poke fun at the world getting stupider because it’s now too stupid to understand! Hurrah!
First up, my favourite. Education.
Apparently more people are going to university because more people are getting A*s. Right. So what’s happening?
- People getting cleverer?
- Education just getting into more trouble?
If people were genuinely getting cleverer – don’t you think we’d see more evidence of it elsewhere? That sounds reasonable. But instead, we get females (by definition can’t call them ladies) weeing in bus stops because they’re too drunk to find a toilet, social disintegration and everything that happens on the news. It’s not clever, people.
Neither is this:
See she looks scared and she’s the one wearing the thing.
In other news, an aeroplane made a bumpy landing. Why? Because the pilot’s hand fell off.
You couldn’t make it up, could you? What makes it even better is that the journalist decided to emphasise that the pilot was flying for a budget airline. Why would you do that? Because that’s what journalism is – it makes you think something without telling you to think it. Subconsciously you’re left with the thought that perhaps the budget airlines are more risky than the others if even their pilots fall apart. When actually it’s pretty inspiring that someone who loses a vital bit of kit is still able to do a very responsible and skilled job. It’s all in the angle, people.
What else has happened? Well there’s a rumour afoot that Kate has fallen out with the Queen. Conveniently forgetting that what she always wanted was to marry the king, it’s claimed that after all she wants a quieter life. Need to take the rough with the smooth, dearie. Stiff upper lip and crack on with it old girl.
For those of you who thought ‘side-boob’ was a case of mistakenly turning left instead of right, you may need a bit of help from Oxford. Yes, they’re collating weird bits of 2014 slang. Anthropologically it’s interesting to see where language is going – because where language shows where culture has already headed. So we have ‘adorbs’. Don’t like that one. Evokes a picture of people newly graced with A*s cooing over one of those fluffy dogs that yap.
But there are other things more edifying. There are neckbeards (self-explanatory) and humblebrag (ditto) and listicle. This requires explanation. I thought it was a testicle that was leaning somewhat, but apparently it’s an article driven by bulletpoints. Would never have guessed. I prefer my interpretation.
Over in America there was a bit of a drama as a rollercoaster stopped stranding two dozen people IN THE AIR for HOURS. Where’s an egg sandwich and a thermos of tea when you need one?
A spokesperson for the leisure company ha this to say: “While we are not yet sure what caused the stoppage, the ride performed as it is designed to.”
‘Performed as it was designed to.’ Like stopping in mid air and trapping people for hours? Do they not charge extra for that? I have no idea how much such a ride costs, because I don’t fancy risking being in THAT situation RIGHT THERE, however, let’s assume the average ride lasts about 4 minutes an costs £3. They were there for 4 hours. To my reckoning they need to be charged £180 for their rollercoaster experience.
If you put ‘knitted rollercoaster’ into Google, you get a ginger tom. I think Google might be broken.
In other news; A three-year-old girl survived sleeping rough for 11 nights in a wolf- and bear- infested Siberian forest by cuddling her pet puppy – which then went for help and brought rescuers to find her. How heartwarming is that?
I don’t know about you, but these dog stories always seem to happen to other people (not that I’d like to be 3 years old and stranded in SIberia with my dog or anything). Sometimes I imagine myself with Seón in these situations. In each conclusion Sean sits quietly looking on vaguely puzzled as I die in horrible ways. He’s just not that kind of dog. As long as he has cheese, he is happy as a sandboy. His favourite person is the holder of the cheese. He may raise a quizzical eyebrow, he may not. He would probably end up getting a bit bored, and then wander off, trumping gently to himself.
And last but not least a small town in Minnesota has stuck two fingers up to party politics and elected a dog as town mayor. Nice job. That’s going to be free Bonios for every school child, I can see. That and a change in official greetings at the townhall. No more shaking hands. Yep. You know what I’m talking about.
And finally, second-best greyhound of the week goes to this chap:
Doing what comes naturally.
Have a good weekend.