Knitting Friday – 13/2/15

Welcome to the special commemorative edition of Knitting Friday. Commemorative because I’m retiring. Not from Knitting Friday, strangely I have time to still write shocking banality, but don’t have so much time to fix people.

So what’s been going on this week?

Well, first of all, someone got done for being rude when someone challenged her for dropping a fag butt. Yep. It made the news. But some things go together – dropping litter and having a foul mouth for example go together like strawberries and cream.

You really ought to think about casting off.

OAP of the week goes to 75 year old Charlie Burton of Pennsylvania who assisted a copper who was struggling to restrain a shoplifter. Charlie waded in and immobilised the toerag, threatening to break his arm if he moved.

Yep. Wouldn’t happen in Britain.

Yeah, that’s not him. I just thought it was cool.

Apparently a 100 year old crocodile has croaked after years of being fed chickens and goats for good luck. What goes around comes around, croc – those chickens and goats must be laughing now. Apparently in Bangladesh feeding a fat crocodile is good luck. Not sure whom for… I don’t know about you, but I never had the Bangladeshis down as having a crocodile-feeding fetish, just didn’t seem that type. The Belgians, however, are a different matter…Strange race.

Does my bum look big in this? Er yes, but not as big as your eyeballs.

In Tampa, Florida, a couple almost got put out with the rubbish as the dumpster they were kipping in was emptied into a dustbin lorry. As if that weren’t bad enough, what’s more embarrassing is that the authorities assumed they were homeless people, when actually they were just on a night out at the casino. Yeah, you see that’s what happens when you go out in your onesie. It’s a slippery slope. And before you know it you’ll have free tickets to the uh, soup kitchen. Think on people. Remember to dress appropriately when greeting one’s public.

I probably wouldn’t have this amount of self-composure if I looked this much like a div.

Also in Florida, a 17 year old managed to wander around a hospital for a month posing as a doctor in a mask, stethoscope and white coat. His mum said he had refused to take mediation for his ‘condition’. A month though! And that’s a really bad costume – everyone knows doctors are trying to look more and more like normal people; you’ll be lucky if they’ve actually got a stethoscope any more… Can’t believe he took a month to get busted. A consultant who failed to notice the teeny doctor said ‘Doctors are looking younger and younger every year.’ Yes. But 17?

Erm, yep. Not that doctor.

Headline of the week this week goes to Associated Press for this little beauty:

2 deer stuck together: police use stungun to free 1

Those of us who went to journalist school will note the howler of starting a sentence with a numeral. And also ending it with one. And also making single digits into numerals. And also having no capitals. What’s going on?

Still it’s a stonker, isn’t it? The actually story is a bit of a let-down. They weren’t stuck together, they had their horns locked, which is far less interesting. I can see how the entanglement would happen, I do after all have curly hair. What was interesting was that gap between reading the headline and finding out the total non-story of the piece – I was thinking what sicko has been glueing together potential roadkill? That’s just weird. And yes, it was weird. Too weird for reality. Imagination 1, Real life 0.

Why do you dress us up to look like dorks? Erm, because it’s funny?

Dutch police are being given a helping hand by the weather – snow is melting more quickly from the roofs of cannabis nurseries, making them easy to spot from the outside. Old-fashioned policing right there. Don’t you just love it?

Life is too short to crochet some things. Sorry, but it is.

In other news, Samsung admits that its smart TVs are so smart they’re reporting all you’re saying back to King Obama. Or maybe someone scarier. Probably Ed Balls. It’s kind of like 1984 but without the overalls.

When TVs go bad, they go REALLY bad.

TV is not your friend, people.

Cornwall now; as if you didn’t need reminding that no one’s got a sense of humour anymore and everyone’s trying to blame everyone else – a 5 year old has been invoiced £15.95 for missing his friend’s birthday party. Erm yes, apparently it’s true. Just when you thought Britain couldn’t get any sadder.

Better blow them out on your own then, mate.

Sex now. Well, it is the commemorative edition. Randy elephants in Thailand have damaged cars well trying to get one on. Nice.

Yeah right. Butter wouldn't melt. As if.

And finally, second-best greyhound of the week goes to:

You know it.

It’s been fun, y’all.

Ta-ta.

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