Why crocheters aren’t serial killers

You heard right. I think of all sorts of things when I’m crocheting away. I’d be happy to bet that serial killers take up a smaller percentage of the crochet community than the wider population.

I know what you’re thinking – crocheters are little wizened old ladies, right? Little wizened old ladies don’t kill people. (Actually that depends entirely on how weird your taste in films is.)

Stick with me – if the world leaders today would beat their spears into crochet hooks, we’d all be a bit better off. Crochet has an intensely relaxing effect and that Kim Jung Un could definitely do with calming down a bit. And let’s face it, most of us are so dosed up on coffee we wouldn’t be able to cope if we weren’t experiencing caffeine-induced cardiac arrhythmias. Crochet just makes the world a better place, time to think and just to be. Crochet is so mindless, you can do pretty much anything at the same time (except for driving – please not that) reading, checking emails, talking to people (in fact when talking to boring people, crochet is invaluable in keeping one awake). Perhaps taking time to relax can help a bit more than taking time to get your morning palpitations with Joe. Just imagine if you didn’t need to live faster, because you had a better handle on what mattered, and what life should be like.

I attribute the fact that I am still married to the Fox after 8 years, to crochet. He’s a lovely chap, but MY is he stressy! There is no way I wouldn’t catch that level of stress and run with it if I didn’t have some type of therapy. You can tell him; I don’t mind – he already knows. It’s that quasi-hypnotic repetitive movement – with crochet it’s so creative, but without crochet, it’s really just sitting in a corner and rocking. Surprisingly more social acceptable, but interestingly a lot less satisfying. I look forward to a time, many centuries from now when companies will not have ‘smoking shelters’ (those nasty little bus stops where you catch cancer) but rather ‘crochet breaks’: ‘You look stressed, Martin. How about you just pop out to finish off that sleeve?’ I can just see it now. Yeah, maybe not.

And those little wizened old ladies? Well I’d prepare to bet that they’re wizened because they’re over two hundred years old – and they’re still here because they’re so chilled out by crocheting. Someone should do a study on it. And call it ‘Live long and crochet’.

Make gloves, not war, darlings.

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