Knitting Friday 26/9/14

Is it me or is the world more depressing than it EVER has been before?

And I’m not even THINKING about Scotland. That’s like allowing the people of Lichfield to vote on whether they want to be in the Midlands any more. The argument was divided between those who recognised that a population of 4 million would not have the salary power to be taxed enough to keep the country going, and those who couldn’t admit that the heath of the economy had anything to do with the life they expected to be able to lead.

Let’s just switch off from the important, horrible stuff and veg out  by wallowing in the weirdness of folks.

Headline of the week goes to: ‘Giant Green-Fanged Spider ‘Attacks’ Man in Devon Home as Species Spreads Across UK

Why? Because despite the green-fanged quality of the spider, what really got me was the inverted commas – ‘attacks’ which implies a certain degree of ‘sort of’. How can you sort of attack something?

It’s grammar. Use it wisely, people!

spider

 

Do you remember when mobile phones were the size of children’s shoe boxes? And then they got smaller and smaller until you could almost swallow them? Then the phone companies realised it was better business to make you pay more for stuff you don’t want than to pay less for a smaller box. So now phones are getting bigger again. So much so, that the small thumbed Japanese are struggling to evolve quickly enough for technology. What’s the solution to handily navigating those shumungous smartphones that can also be used as a skateboard?

A fake thumb. Obviously. (My first suggestion would have been to make them smaller again until we’ve evolved, but clearly I am not business-brained enough).

Yes. The Japanese have massive phones – so they need a massive thumb to go with it. Just the one.

thumb

And here’s a little something to keep YOUR GIANT THUMB WARM. Yes.

America now, and someone’s taken a lion statue in Massachusetts apart and found a time capsule. They haven’t opened it yet. But who knows what might be inside?! It’s dated 1901 which means it’s pre the great depression, pre both world wars, pre the Titanic and pre Justin Bieber.

Yep, much greater time all round. Who’d want to live in the future when you can live before all that crap’s invented?

obama

Yep, before all that.

Staying in America, there’s a lady who plays her harp for gorillas. And it keeps them calm. For all receptionists out there who are wondering what they’re doing wrong and why their job is so tough; it’s cos you don’t have a harp. If you did, those punters would be purring.

gorilla

Loving that.

More livstock now; some women found a python in the boot of their rental car. What’s interesting is that the journalist seems mystified as to how a snake several feet long gotin there. My guess it probably didn’t get in through the lock. Perhaps it had a leg up?

snake

How do you know if a snake is dangerous? Well as a general rule of thumb if it’s knitted and wearing specs, it’s probably OK.

Germany now, and a man who was wanted for a fine of 700 euros or a jail sentence was stopped in an arcade. Before he could be arrested, the machine he was on hit the jackpot and coughed up 1000 euros.

Right.

Unfortunately for the rest of us the rain falls on the unrighteous as well.

bandit

Oh thank goodness, there’s someone who had enough time on their hands to knit one of these. Just wasn’t quite sure what I was going to do if they hadn’t…

Elsewhere a Canadian man was arrested for wearing 50 plus turtles under his clothes.

I was quite keen to hear who he explained it – but they didn’t go into that. Shame.

shark

Could it be that the shark of the week slot is back?

Erm no. We ran out. Sorry.

You want it? Get knitting then.

Like foreign trips, but hate getting screwed over by the airlines?

A poor woman from Derbyshire netted a bargain flight for 2 to Faro – and just prior to checkout she noticed the baggage cost was £23,659,382,125.95. Erm yes.

The company in question claimed it was an isolated incident and that it was a glitch in the system. Right. Strikes me as a bit of a precise glitch to me – none of this ‘I’ve just added a discretionary nine ‘0’s to your bill’ no, it’s super precise right down to 95p. I think that’s a bit more than a glitch.

gremlin

How long do you reckon a car chase could last? 6 hours?

How long do you reckon a car chase could last involving a digger? Half an hour

But that’s in America right? Where they have wide straight roads that go on for miles and you can dip off into the prairie?

Nope. This is Leicestershire. And it took 3 hours.

WHAT WERE THEY DOING? I have no idea – the journo didn’t elaborate. And that’s the problem with journalism today. Too much of the stuff we don’t want and not enough of the stuff we do. digger

Second-best greyhound of the week goes to:

greyhound

Best greyhound of the week goes to:

sean

He’s so lush I just want to eat him.

Have a good week!

 

Knitting Friday 5/9/14

Well, would you look at that, it’s Friday again.

There are two types of news – the banal stuff we can poke fun at, and then the stuff that matters. The stuff that matters is too violent, horrific and upsetting for Friday afternoon.

So instead we have Hello Kitty.

Not a cat. Apparently.

Why’s she in the headlines? Because apparently ‘Kitty’ isn’t a cat at all; she’s a human. That’s what her creators say.

Her fans were shocked; ‘What about her feline ears and her whiskers?’ they asked, desperately.

‘She walks around on two legs,’ was the response. I don’t know. Next they’ll be saying Miffy’s a squirrel and Big Ears is a paedophile.

Anyhow, I’d like to point out that that was a GLOBAL headline, and can officially state that the world genuinely does have NOTHING TO DO. Not only that, but an anthropologist is on the case. For some tricky jobs, that’s what you need. An anthropologist. I ought to know, I trained to be one. And was then unemployed. There was a survey of the top 25 most useless degrees. Sociology was in there, as predictably, were philosophy and psychology (the degree course to be seen in) but topping the bill, you guessed it. Anth.

Other ‘ists’ having a gay old time of it are geologists. They’ve been a bit worried about how some rocks have been moving about in America. See, if you’d worked a bit harder at school you could have been an academic and you could have studied this kind of thing. Wouldn’t that have been more fulfilling? Turns out for the rocks in Death Valley (nice) it gets a bit cold at night time and they slide about on ice a bit when the wind blows.

Well that’s that settled then.

Those are real attractive rocks right there.

Do you see what these are? They’re rocks with little crocheted coats on. To keep them warm, or trendy, or tidy. I have no idea. Why would you want to do such a thing? What’s wrong with au naturel? Clearly enough to make this weirdness necessary. Right.

Back to proper cats, and there’s a bank in Russia which is lending people cats as an incentive when they take out a mortgage. Having a cat at your housewarming party is consdered the thing to do. And if you spend too much time on the internet, you’ll know that Russians have a bit of a thing for using rugs like wallpaper as well. Well I suppose it does get a bit parky there and all.

cat

 

Never been a cat person. Never will be a cat person.

So yes, get a mortgage, borrow a cat. Nice. That’s not quite the thing round by me; cats are hooligans. If dogs, humans, or politicians had a poo on your doorstep you’d be in with a shout of getting them slapped with an ASBO, but no, cats are protected. They can desecrate the neighbourhood, murder small squeaky animals and no one is allowed to say anything. Perhaps that’s what the REAL work of the Cats’ Protection League is about. I always thought there was something sinister about them. Cats are like the neighbourhood mafia. Feed one and you’ll never have strange poo in your garden again, object to encouraging the blasted things, and they’ll be there with the golden rain among your tulips, cute little sparrows WITH NO HEADS, and Mr Whippy amongst your carrots.

Sport now. And total non-story of the week goes to Wozniacki after her hair got caught in her tennis racket but she still won anyway. Er right. When I was writing, stories had to pass the ‘so what?’ test. I don’t think this one does. I don’t get it.

 pink hairRemind you of anyone in particular?

Second best greyhound of the week? Well it’s a tie, see.

greyhound

And there we have it. At Christmas my darling Seón is going to look like an idiot. With antlers. Can’t wait.

Have a good weekend!